Better to Love & Lose than to be Stuck with a Jerk

The silence isn’t so bad Till I look at my hands and feel sad Cuz the spaces between my fingers Are right where yours fit perfectly

Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

Well THAT was exhausting!

I just finished recording the first 2 songs that I want to post. One of them I did the acoustic as well as the regular version…I’m a little less proud of the powerful version as I am of the acoustic but oh well.

I was told whatever I post has to mean something to me. I racked my brain for quite some time and then like lightening, these 2 sings hit me in the back of the head. I’ve always loved them and I DEF think that you’ll see they have deep personal meaning for me.

I’m going to be posting them on my cite particularly dedicated to this project: unchainedmelodiesbykristen.tumblr.com

I’m still in the process of setting everything up but I hope to have the songs up this afternoon.

So I think I’m going to start a new project for the summer so I don’t lose my mind :P and I’m going to create a 3rd blog for it. I’m having a bit of a problem coming up with a good name and url for it and could use some suggestions. Well first I guess I should tell you what the project is…

Now I’m sure almost anyone reading this doesn’t know that I have a secret love…for singing. It’s a deeply personal past-time that even my ex who I’d been with almost 2 years only ever heard me sing Once (and I was nervous as hell and sounded awful).  I can count on one hand the number of people who have Really heard what I’ve got. So in order to become a more fulfilled and creative individual, my project this summer if going to be to post a song every week or 2 (depending on how much I need to work on it).

I wish I had enough creativity to write my own songs but alas, I’m not cool enough. Most of my music is probably even going to have the original playing in the background (unless anyone knows how to extract vocals from music).

My favorite music sing is slightly jazzy (think Nora Jones but not her songs that put you to sleep, the good ones), anything Broadway (I’m kind of a fanatic), and anything really about the music and lyrics (think..Alanis and Jewel..before she sold her soul to the gods of pop and subsequently flushed her career down the toilet).

That being said, I have a gazillion in mind that are old loves of mine but I wanna know what the people want.

So you guys tell me…whatdo you wanna hear?

I feel like crap today.

No, not emotionally…physically. I, thanks to my father and brother, have contracted a stomach virus. Yesterday, I found this to be unfortunate because I had alot of time alone with my thoughts and no energy to fight them.

Today, reflecting on everything my brain was trying to organize yesterday, I can start to see some semblance of order…maybe even understanding.

There is one thing that I most definitely have begun to understand…I deserve Better.

Now, okay, looking back at past posts, you may think, well isnt that why you’ve gone thru everything you went thru already - bc you knew you deserved better? To that I say, Yes and No. I forced the issue because I believed that someone I once loved still existed and would somehow or another ‘Wake Up’ when he saw me go.This was not the case. Because, you see…the person that I fell in love with…no longer exists. Call it time, call it obstacles, call it growing up…I don’t care. All I know is that the person who used to adore me and want to spend every minute of every day with me…is gone.

Now, something else interesting happened to me in the last few days. I stumbled upon some Very old (we’re talking circa august-september 2008)…exchanges, if you will…and what I saw astounded me. It was the person I remembered falling in love with! There he was, locked in time. My brain swirled and my heart swelled - it was like he was alive again! Letting the innocent girl inside of me get her hopes up and feel like maybe he was still in there somewhere, I was going to bring it up in conversation. Alas, my mind had a rather frank conversation with my heart and made it see the truth…it was useless. He was gone. Why beat a dead horse.

I made my point. I left letting my heart trick my head into believing he’d chase after me, into believing that person I met and once loved with every fiber of my being was still there.

Well, it’s been over 2 months. And I think it’s safe to say, with my mind and heart, that no one is coming after me. For months I’ve agonized over why he didnt stop me from leaving…but now it all makes sense. We’re not those people any more. Sure we could have tried to work thru it, but that takes 2 people. 2 MATURE people. And I refuse to waste my time with anyone who sees any reasons why the work wouldnt be worth it.

I don’t think I deserve alot. But I know I deserve one thing…the only thing that matters when it comes down to it…to be someone’s everything.

I used to be someone’s everything. I’m not sure when that faded and when I started lying to myself and fighting for the shadow of what once was. I don’t have the power to change the past. But I do have this…the power to change how I react to it and the power to say, I deserve Better.

I heard something inspiring yesterday…If someone loves you, there will always be an Obvious sacrifice made to show you, an obvious gesture of love.

Not to sound like a martyr or like I think I’m so great but…I made countless sacrifices, I feel. And for the amount of sacrifices I made…I cant recall a single one made for me. That was my downfall. Not only did I not wait for a gesture to be made towards me…I constantly showered him with gestures. I made it possible for him to sit back and wallow in his greatness and not have to work for it at all.

(sidebar: this trait unfortunately runs in the family….maybe in the Gender of womankind. When we want something, we Fight for it. When we dont, we ignore it and hope it gets the hint and goes away. THIS is the reason why the ones we want, dont want us back…and the ones we Dont want, chase after us for Months…Years even. — but that is a topic well known as “The Chase” which we will have to discuss later since my battery is dying).

My thoughts are still a little tangled and my heart will always be unpredictable. But I can say for certain that we will both never be those people again. So why keep wallowing about it and crying about it and writing poems and songs about it. It’s done. It’s time to move on. Whether moving on will bring us back together is unseen, as are all things. On my end of the table, I know what I want and what I need and what I deserve. If someone doesnt fit that, I’m not wasting my time.This is my LIFE. I’m not screwing around anymore. And anyone who consciously or subconsciously screws with THAT, is not doing themselves any favors.

I’m done bending over backwards to prove to anyone and everyone what I deserve. Someday someone will see it and realize they better act soon and do everything in their power to ensure I’m theirs - that’s all I want. Until then, I’ll sit back, relax, enjoy my time to myself and my time to think and grow as a person and patiently wait for the best man to win…whoever he may be.

So I’ve been dreading having to write this paper for 3 months now. No matter how much thought I gave it, I just couldnt see a way to work around my strong religious views (since Philosophy is pretty much everything BUT religion). My professor always tries to argue that philosophy is Not anti-religion however, whenever I would try to incorporate it, he would go off rambling about being objective and get all wordy and tried to disguise his anti-religious attitude. But for people like me who encounter this attitude on a daily basis, he’s completely transparent.

So I made a decision. The only logical conclusion I could come to was to write an argument paper on What Matters to me - yes, this was the assignment. no, im not an idiot. I decided to incorporate my beliefs in an anti-belief paper.

“She’s our of her mind!” you may say, but it was the only conclusion I could come to after 3 months of internal debate.

The following is my 4.5 page paper. Now I would like you to keep in mind that I currently have a sinus infection, am all hopped up on cold meds, and have been in the house (and in bed) for 3 days now. That being said, it’s not the best piece of crap I’ve ever written. Heck, it’s probably the worst. But I’d still like to see that you think. So here goes…Enjoy the following presentation of What Matters.

What Matters:

            “Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose,” Helen Keller (1880-1968). I very much agree with Helen Keller on this subject. There are many things in life that we can say truly matter. For example, family, love, happiness, and success can all matter to us. All of these things are a part of each of our lives.

However, we have to consider what Truly matters to each of us. I think we can all say that Happiness is at the top of the list. What makes us individuals, however, is how we attain said happiness. For this reason, I believe the subject must be viewed with a personal perspective, also known as a feminist view. The matter can be examined objectively after one has arrived at an appropriate conclusion for himself or herself as a person. This is what I will strive to accomplish in my argument.

            First I would like to argue on What Matters. I have already stated my reason for selecting Happiness but I have yet to elucidate how or why. I can start by saying I agree with Ms. Keller in that happiness comes from fidelity to a worthy purpose. The greatest example of this may be the first person that comes to your mind when thinking of this very topic – Mahatma Gandhi.  He belonged to one of the greatest movements of all time. With Swaraj, he sought to free the people of India from foreign rule. This was truly a noble and worthy purpose.

            Not to compare myself to Gandhi by any means, I too consider myself to have a worthy purpose; a purpose I am extremely dedicated to. As one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I spend much of my time learning about God and his son and how to better my life by following his example. My purpose in life comes from this knowledge. My happiness comes from being able to share this knowledge with others – this is my “worthy purpose”.

            Now many like Schlick, a logical positivist, could vehemently disagree with my purpose being based on faith. After all, faith cannot be viewed objectively or scientifically since faith is commonly defined as, “firm belief in something for which there is no proof” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). However, through my study of the Bible I have found great proof in many fundamental truths such as the love God has for us, his promises for our future, and his promise that leading a life according to his standards will result in the ultimate reward, everlasting life.

            Camus, an existentialist philosopher who believed in the absurd, may disagree with my choice of purpose and source of happiness as well. Existentialism sees life as absurd and meaningless. Nagel, Camus, and Westphal all believe that we exist in a meaningless, irrational universe and any effort to find meaning is futile. Therefore, the absurd is the conflict between the search for meaning and the inability to find any meaning. Nagel even says, “Many people’s lives are absurd, temporarily or permanently, for conventional reasons having to do with their particular ambitions, circumstances, or personal relations” (Nagel 88).

            I could not disagree more. I believe we all have a purpose, a commission, from Christ himself. This commission can be found in any Bible at Matthew chapter 28 verses 19 and 20 where Christ Jesus says, “Go therefore and make disciples of people of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the holy spirit, teaching them to observe all the things I have commanded you.”

            Many, like Nagel for example, could argue that “what we do wont matter in a million years” and that this work I am devoted to and find my happiness in is something I shouldn’t bother with. If you are someone like Nagel and believe that life is meaningless and absurd, then yes you can make that argument.

           However, someone like Gandhi, who never gave up on his mission to make the change he wanted to see in the world, could see that no matter what your cause may be and no matter how you find your happiness in life, all that matters is you do it. Camus even agrees with this when he says, “there is no shame in being happy,” (Camus 77). He believed we should all find a measure of happiness in life. At the moment he wrote that, his happiness was coming from the peach he ate. In my life, my happiness comes from sharing Bible truths such as God’s name being Jehovah (Psalms 83:18). This is a truth unfamiliar to many people and the joy of watching their expression as you bring them this tiny sampling of a truth is indescribable.

           Gandhi once said, “Do you admit that there is in human thought some absolute certainty, as for instance God and prayer, where we might be said to have reached perfect unchangeable truth?” The part I find interesting followed this question when he says, “My fundamental question is – on what particular points do you change your opinion?” (Gandhi 30). My reply to this would simply be that I only change my opinion of a matter when I do not have all the facts and information. This is what I strive to bring to people when I do my door-to-door ministry – bring them facts and information that they previously may not have even thought about before so that they can decide whether or not they want to change their opinion as well. When it comes to morals I cannot and will not change. And when it comes to my view on happiness and my fidelity to my worthy cause, nothing will ever be able to change how I feel. Once you experience the joy of giving someone a hope for the future, everything else becomes second in your life.

Well I hope you enjoyed or at least were somewhat amused by my attempt to complete this assignment.

Goodnight folks.

Yes, I realize I’ve been in hiding for quite some time. I’ve been going thru alot of personal changes in my life but i’ll save that for another post as I have limited time.

Let’s just say…I’m in the cocoon stage of my life right now. I was happy being a caterpillar. I thought that’s all there was to life and that I was all set. However, thru no one in particular’s actions, I began to realize that maybe I wasn;t so happy being a caterpillar. So for right now, I’m nestled up in my cozy abode and figuring out what I want from myself, from my life, and from anyone and everyone I allow in my life. Maybe it’s the philosophy class I’m taking, maybe it’s watching the actions of the people around me that I love. I’m not sure. But for right now I know I’m content in my cocoon. I’m sure someday my heart will warm and my metamorphosis will be complete but for now, I sleep.

I started this blog with a “woe is me” attitude. You could even liken me to a pissed off 15 year old who just wants everyone to bite it. However, I have come to realize this….Your Life is not just about you. It’s about everyone around you. It’s about the people you love and the people you despise. The only way your life is yours and yours alone is if you’re just that…alone. So that’s what I’ll be, for now.

I’ve also come to the realization, thru the help of a very dear friend, that I have alot of thoughts that are worth considering.

I will try to take more time to write them down but for now I must engage my mind in some Educational Psychology.

So I recently stumbled on an article by Yahoo! entitled 5 Signs You’re Headed Toward a Breakup and I’d just like to say, never before have I seen something that so completely epitomised my life.

The part that really struck me was the closing of the article. I seriously feel as tho someone has been watching me. Or this may have been written by someone I know. I’m not sure yet but I WILL find out ;P

The article ended by saying:

” When you think you might have hit that breakup point, you must tell the person that you’re disconnecting from them. You need to be honest and raw. If you don’t think the relationship is going to work, or you know you’ve already disconnected based on how things have been going, then you might want to consider walking away for a week. When you’re in the thick of things, they never seem to be able to work out.

So take a break. Spend a week without your partner. Take the week to ask yourself some questions. Go visit some friends or family. Really think about what life would be like without that person. How would you feel? Then, go back and either take a stand for the relationship or break up.
Whichever decision you make, you need to be honest with yourself. Life is too short! There are a lot of wonderful, amazing people out there ready to meet you.” —> I know there are, I just wish they’d hurry up and find me already. I’m tired of being screwed over.

Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather i can feel you all but shuttin’ down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don’t wanna talk about it now.


What you’re not saying is coming in loud and clear we’re at a crossroads here…


If i’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
If i’m not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don’t get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we’re done
Let’s not drag this on
Consider me gone


With you i’ve always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing i’ve ever tried to hide.
So when you leave with me not knowin’ where you’re goin’ i start thinkin’ that we’re lookin’ we’re lookin’ at goodbye.


How about a strong shot of honesty don’t you owe that to me…


If i’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
If i’m not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don’t get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we’re done
Let’s not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
If i’m not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we’re done let’s not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

Oh Reba…How On Earth Did You Write A Song That So Perfectly Describes My Life??

So I got sent to the doctor straight from work today…they looked at my foot and thought it was infected or something gross.

Well…I have a confession to make…I’m kind of…too busy to find a primary care doctor…and…………I still see my pediatrician. There I said it! Are you happy?!

*whew*

Ok so I drove all the way down to hammonton just to have my pediatrician see my stupid foot. He looks at it and asks my if my “inguinal area” is swollen…for those of you not particularly versed in anatomy…that’s where your leg meets your..body. Yes folks, my doctor was too embarrassed to check for himself…he made me do it.

Upon relating this story at the dinner table my mother- between laughing and choking on her food- declared that You Know It’s Time To Find A “Grown-Up” Doctor When Your Doctor is Too Embarrassed to Examine You for Himself and Makes You Evaluate Your Own Symptoms. It’s Time.

I know in prior posts I may have sounded like I have alot of hate and resentment but I would like to rectify my stance….it’s not so much the person I am loathing, but the situation.

It may well happen to be in the future that my stance changes but for now…my predominant feeling is…pity…and…regret that we didnt meet a few years from now when maybe our circumstances would have been different and maybe things would have worked out.

But let me assure you, I’m not going to live in the world of “maybe” and “what if”…but I can also assure you…it’s going to take ALOT for me to fall for someone new. I’m not in the market. I’m not looking. Yea I may know what I want and expect from a relationship and a man but…I’m not in any kind of hurry.

Honestly, I know my heart is only going to want one thing…one person…for a long time. Falling for someone else is something I cant even fathom right now.

Maybe some day someone will fight the wall I’ve put up and actually get thru- and believe me, it’s going to take TONS of work on their part- but maybe then…just maybe…once I see all the hard work they’ve put into making me feel safe, I’ll be ready to risk my heart again.

Right now…it’s definitely just way too far off to be able to tell.

this is Beyond perfectly fitting for my situation. it’s stunning.

i vote someone says this to him…any volunteers??

the foot which i continue to refer to

it’s not a great pic and if anything makes me look like a wuss for complaining about something that looks like nothing but im not kidding…the fire of 1,000 suns…thats what it feels like.

I don’t understand what I ever did to piss the universe off so much.

Not only does the radio play any and every song I don’t need to hear right now lest I drive myself off a cliff, but also…you all know the Great Debacle of the Great Black Wasp…well…

I thought it was fine. The day after there was barely a bump. It hurt a little but nothing I couldn’t just walk off. Well as of 5pm yesterday, it’s now swollen beyond belief and itches worse than the bite of 1,000 mosquitoes. I kid you not, I had to take a dangerous amount of benadryl just to get to sleep last night.

My mom recommended something with vinegar and brown paper bags (which I am currently researching) because it’s supposed to “suck the poison out”….I didn’t realize we live in 1575 but I’m willing to try anything at this point.

And while I continue to see the situation as, “THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMIN!” ala Ashton Kutcher in Just Married, my mother continues to hold the belief that Jehovah sent the wasp to keep my mind off my Other Problems. I personally don’t think he sicks wasps on people but it is an amusing thought.

I think New Jersey is just as sad that I had to leave FL as I am.

It’s gonna be 60 degrees today and has done nothing but rain and rain and rain all night and will continue alllll day.

I so dont feel like getting out of bed but oh well…the real world calls.

Wish me luck with my first day of classes! woo!

:P