I feel like crap today.
No, not emotionally…physically. I, thanks to my father and brother, have contracted a stomach virus. Yesterday, I found this to be unfortunate because I had alot of time alone with my thoughts and no energy to fight them.
Today, reflecting on everything my brain was trying to organize yesterday, I can start to see some semblance of order…maybe even understanding.
There is one thing that I most definitely have begun to understand…I deserve Better.
Now, okay, looking back at past posts, you may think, well isnt that why you’ve gone thru everything you went thru already - bc you knew you deserved better? To that I say, Yes and No. I forced the issue because I believed that someone I once loved still existed and would somehow or another ‘Wake Up’ when he saw me go.This was not the case. Because, you see…the person that I fell in love with…no longer exists. Call it time, call it obstacles, call it growing up…I don’t care. All I know is that the person who used to adore me and want to spend every minute of every day with me…is gone.
Now, something else interesting happened to me in the last few days. I stumbled upon some Very old (we’re talking circa august-september 2008)…exchanges, if you will…and what I saw astounded me. It was the person I remembered falling in love with! There he was, locked in time. My brain swirled and my heart swelled - it was like he was alive again! Letting the innocent girl inside of me get her hopes up and feel like maybe he was still in there somewhere, I was going to bring it up in conversation. Alas, my mind had a rather frank conversation with my heart and made it see the truth…it was useless. He was gone. Why beat a dead horse.
I made my point. I left letting my heart trick my head into believing he’d chase after me, into believing that person I met and once loved with every fiber of my being was still there.
Well, it’s been over 2 months. And I think it’s safe to say, with my mind and heart, that no one is coming after me. For months I’ve agonized over why he didnt stop me from leaving…but now it all makes sense. We’re not those people any more. Sure we could have tried to work thru it, but that takes 2 people. 2 MATURE people. And I refuse to waste my time with anyone who sees any reasons why the work wouldnt be worth it.
I don’t think I deserve alot. But I know I deserve one thing…the only thing that matters when it comes down to it…to be someone’s everything.
I used to be someone’s everything. I’m not sure when that faded and when I started lying to myself and fighting for the shadow of what once was. I don’t have the power to change the past. But I do have this…the power to change how I react to it and the power to say, I deserve Better.
I heard something inspiring yesterday…If someone loves you, there will always be an Obvious sacrifice made to show you, an obvious gesture of love.
Not to sound like a martyr or like I think I’m so great but…I made countless sacrifices, I feel. And for the amount of sacrifices I made…I cant recall a single one made for me. That was my downfall. Not only did I not wait for a gesture to be made towards me…I constantly showered him with gestures. I made it possible for him to sit back and wallow in his greatness and not have to work for it at all.
(sidebar: this trait unfortunately runs in the family….maybe in the Gender of womankind. When we want something, we Fight for it. When we dont, we ignore it and hope it gets the hint and goes away. THIS is the reason why the ones we want, dont want us back…and the ones we Dont want, chase after us for Months…Years even. — but that is a topic well known as “The Chase” which we will have to discuss later since my battery is dying).
My thoughts are still a little tangled and my heart will always be unpredictable. But I can say for certain that we will both never be those people again. So why keep wallowing about it and crying about it and writing poems and songs about it. It’s done. It’s time to move on. Whether moving on will bring us back together is unseen, as are all things. On my end of the table, I know what I want and what I need and what I deserve. If someone doesnt fit that, I’m not wasting my time.This is my LIFE. I’m not screwing around anymore. And anyone who consciously or subconsciously screws with THAT, is not doing themselves any favors.
I’m done bending over backwards to prove to anyone and everyone what I deserve. Someday someone will see it and realize they better act soon and do everything in their power to ensure I’m theirs - that’s all I want. Until then, I’ll sit back, relax, enjoy my time to myself and my time to think and grow as a person and patiently wait for the best man to win…whoever he may be.